


Raincoats and sunglasses

by SolarSquare



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Crying, Depression, Gen, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Third Person, Sad with a Happy Ending, also very loosely based on Rihanna's 'umbrella', can be read as gay but not necessarily, not really that bad but it's there, written from Iwa's perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 15:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9332363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolarSquare/pseuds/SolarSquare
Summary: Each day is a surprise for Iwaizumi: what will the wheather be like? Will the rain fall down on him mercilessly? Will the sunshine send its rays to him with the promise of a better day? Or will Oikawa shine brighter than the sun and stars? He doesn’t know. He might never get to know.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Small Iwaoi doodle which just kinda drifted up in my mind. I don’t think this one is that good or something but I’ll post it anyways, just in case. Quick warning that this fic’s content might be close to depression or bipolar disorder, I’m not sure, honestly, but I think it might be triggering content for some people. Also, first work on AO3, so I hope it's okay and that you'll enjoy it.

_What’s the wheather gonna be like?_

It was the first thing Iwaizumi thought about when he woke up. Usually it was the very first thought that crossed his mind, because his entire day depended on the wheather. But the thing was that Iwaizumi wasn’t thinking about the wheather outside or something, but the wheather inside his mind.

It was a thing he could never predict: his mind was like a song without rhythm: episodes that returned every now and then, as a chorus or a bridge. But without any rhythm , the song was irregular, and without anything to keep up with the right pace, a song was just a messy bunch of sounds that followed suit after each other, never following a scheduled timetable.

Iwaizumi’s mind was like that: he had returning episodes, but never in a regular schedule: they just came flying in whenever they felt like doing so. And Iwaizumi couldn’t do anything to stop it. He had no power over it. He could only try to find what kind of equipment he had to use:

_Raincoats or sunglasses…_

Some days were rainy: it didn’t rain per se, but everything seemed to gather above him and crash down on him, leaving him chilled to the bone. Most storms were heavy, too heavy for his shoulders to bare. Those days were hard days, because he couldn’t feel anything but the pressing feeling of everything falling like big raindrops. Those days were dark like the clouds above his head, they were threatening, as if they could burst into thunder any moment.

This rain fell down quite often. Sadly.

Those days were horrible. Those days hurt, because unlike the ‘rain’, he couldn’t pretend as if he didn’t feel it: lightning bolts struck him harder, demanded his attention, his entire day he felt the worst of worst and he couldn’t try to ignore it. Those days would emerge from rainy days ocassionally. He couldn’t stop the thunder, but a ‘raincoat’ could protect him ever so slightly. His raincoat consisted of volleyball, his friends, music, any kind of distraction really. They wrapped him in themselves like a blanket. He could still feel the drops falling. But he couldn’t  feel how cold they were. That was the only way of baring it.

No raincoat, however, could protect him from thunder. The thunder hit him through his thin and fragile shield. The thunder would tear his raincoat apart and the rain would fall down as hard as ever again, without anything stopping it. He had a hard time surviving these days. Usually he ended up lying exhausted on his bed. He would cry sometimes, but silently, because his parents didn’t know, they didn’t need to know. He was frustated from it. He was tired of not being able to stop the thunder from striking him. He knew no antidote himself.

The only remedy was Oikawa.

Yes, that’s right. Oikawa Tooru, the most annoying idiot to have ever roamed this earth, was the only one to reach Iwaizumi on his worst days. He wasn’t like his raincoats: he was very different. He was a ray of sunshine to remind Iwaizumi that the world consisted of more than clouds, thunder and rain. Oikawa was a sun for Iwaizumi: He shone and Iwaizumi needed him to live. And when he shone, together with the raindrops a rainbow would from as a prophecy for a better tomorrow. And it would truly be better the next day.

Iwaizumi needed Oikawa. He knew this very well.

Iwaizumi knew that his feelings for Oikawa were very deep.

But Iwaizumi couldn’t keep Oikawa close.

Because without any clouds blocking the brightness erupting from him, Oikawa would almost blind Iwaizumi. That’s why Iwaizumi needed sunglasses: because such brightness couldn’t be real. He couldn’t bring himself to believe in such light when the previous day he’d only seen shades of black and grey. That’s why he needed to keep the world a bit darker. His ‘sunglasses’ consisted of memories of rainy days, nagging voices telling him that he was living a lie and blaming him for every small thing that he did wrong. He hated days when he wore sunglasses. He wanted to see the world bright, but he still wore them. Why?

Because the raincoats and sunglasses brought bad and good days closer to each other than they originally were. The gap became smaller, the change would be less intense. His mood wouldn’t swing as drastically as it actually would without raincoats and sunglasses.

Thanks to those he could cope.

A bit.

 

_It’s gonna be rainy today._

He could feel every inch of his body warning him that it was gonna rain hard today. He wished he could stay home, but if he would he’d have to explain his parents. And he couln’t say he was sick every day: they would worry. He didn’t want that. They’d find out that he wasn’t actually sick.

_Maybe I am sick._

_This is a day for a raincoat._

He walked over to Oikawa’s house knowing that Oikawa, who was supposed to walk over to Iwaizumi, would not be ready to go to school yet. He literally never was on time and it truly amazed Iwaizumi what kind of things Oikawa was still busying himself with three minutes before he had to head out to school. So he just walked over to Oikawa to ensure that they wouldn’t be late because Oikawa left too late. It didn’t really matter anyways, they were neighbours so it wasn’t a long walk. Iwaizumi dreaded the mere thought of greeting Oikawa right now. He felt plain horrible and he knew that Oikawa would notice it. He sighed and tried to imitate his grumpy, usual self. Hoping that his imitation was enough, he knocked on Oikawa’s door: ‘Oi, Shittykawa! You’re ready?’

A clear and cheerful voice yelled back: ‘Iwa-chan! You’re here already?! Wait a sec, I’ll open the door for you.’ Quick, or better said hasty footsteps came running towards the front door and Iwaizumi heard the knob turn. The next moment he saw Oikawa’s face in front of his. Iwaizumi felt small rays of light piercing through the clouds around him. He felt vulnerable; why did Oikawa shine brighter than any sun he’d ever seen? It didn’t fit into his simple little system, because his sunglasses couldn’t block all the illumination erupting from Oikawa. And this was bad, because if his sunglasses didn’t work, there was only one option left: turn away. And so he did: ‘Get ready! I don’t wanna be late!’ He didn’t watch Oikawa’s reaction. He didn’t try to talk to Oikawa. He just tried his hardest to ignore him. He felt bad for it, he hated being mean to Oikawa. But he didn’t want to let Oikawa in. No, he couldn’t let Oikawa in. Next thing he would be declared insane. So he just watched the clouds gather above him. He didn’t want to become addicted to sunlight because he knew how easy it could be taken from him: it had been taken away from him once already. That was the moment his days started looking like they did now. It was tough, but at least he still had one beautiful ray of light to hold on to. If that last light were to be taken from him, he wouldn’t be able to cope anymore.

The walk to school, the classes Iwaizumi attended, his friends greeting him and Oikawa when they arrived: it was all one big blur. All he saw was grey, all he felt was clattering rain. Every now and then he could hear distant rumbling. It was thunder, no doubt. A storm was brewing and he wasn’t going to go through this one steadily. He felt heavy pressure.

_The moment the thunder strikes, the water will be set ashock. I’ll be electrified._

_I’ll reach my breaking point._

He was slightly panicking. Due to his slight despair, he didn’t feel a tap on his shoulder at first. After a few moments he became aware and looked up. He saw blinding light: ‘Iwa-chan, are you okay? It’s lunchtime. Makki and Mattsun are waiting for us.’  

 _Nonono_ , Iwaizumi thought. _Not the sunlight, not now_.

‘I’m fine, let’s go.’He forced himself to stand up and follow Oikawa. Said person threw concerned glances at his best friend, but he didn’t see these. He was truly seeing nothing but grey clouds and sunshine from Oikawa.

During lunch he sat with Hanamaki and Matsukawa. And with Oikawa, of course. He pretended to follow the conversations they had, but he could barely follow, let alone engage in them. The words reached him, but it was not understandable. It sounded like someone talking underwater, trying to reach Iwaizumi despite the depth of the water.

_(I’m drowning)_

The weird sounds were outvoiced by harsh rumbling. The thunder was above his head now. It was raging. He knew for sure that there were lightning bolts all around him by now.

_I have to get out of here._

He felt the threat: if he wasn’t leaving now, he was going to feel the shock of lightning striking him. He had to run away. He couldn’t break down. Not here, with his friends. He stood up and mumbled ‘going to the bathroom’ before running off. He had no idea where to run off to, but he was sure he’d find a place somewhere. He didn’t take the time to turn around and register the worried looks on his friends’ faces, the concerned eyes behind Oikawa’s glasses. He couldn’t care less about those now: he needed to get away.

The rain was pouring down mercilessly: the heavy drops felt like weights being thrown on Iwaizumi. He felt his breath quickening from the panic rising inside him.

_You need to get away!_

Iwaizumi gritted his teeth and tried to ignore the heavy rain, but he couldn’t.

 _Just leave me alone_.

He was still running, and he had no idea where to. Everything was messy and the colours around him were blended. He felt rain, he heard thunder, and that was all. Despair. That was what he felt. He felt it in every cell in his body. Why was his head like this? Why was there either rain or sunshine, never normal wheather?

_What is wrong with me?_

Iwaizumi knew something was wrong: he was running without knowing where to. His vision was completely blurry and he heard rain and thunder that only existed for him. All there was were the ground, the rain, the clouds and the thunder surrounding him. He didn’t know anymore. He was lost in his own mind.

_Hajime…_

Iwaizumi turned his head to the direction where the soft whisper came from. Was someone calling out for him? It had been vague, maybe he was just hearing things. Wouldn’t be the first time.

_‘Iwaizumi Hajime!’_

Again, this time it was louder. He stared into the distance. No, he was sure, he could see someone standing. He could see a silhouette near him.

_Please come and get me_

He closed his eyes. He listened thoroughly for more sounds other than the storm.

‘IWAIZUMI HAJIME!’

This time the voice was near. He opened his eyes and saw a worried familiar face: Oikawa. Oikawa was there and he was shaking Iwaizumi by his shoulders. He realized he wasn’t seeing things anymore that others could not see and quickly gazed around: they were sitting on a pavement, somewhere on some street he didn’t recognize. It was raining, but this was not the heavy rain that bore him into the ground, the rain that made him feel hopeless. This was not that painful rain, it was normal rain. There was no thunder.

_No thunder_

‘Iwa-chan?’, Oikawa asked him with an uncertain voice. ‘Can you hear me Hajime?’

Yes, Iwaizumi could, because the thunder wasn’t there anymore, at least for now. It had disappeared just as suddenly as it had appeared. Sadly, he knew it would come back. It would.

‘Yes, yes, I can hear you.’                                                                                                                                                            He said it twice, to convince himself that he was here, with Oikawa, his best friend. He knew that Oikawa was the reason that the thunder had stopped: as long as Oikawa was near, the thunder wouldn’t be. He was here, with Oikawa, not there, in the clouds created by his mind.

But where exactly were they?

‘Iwa-chan? What are you doing. What were you fucking thinking! I was worried! Is something wrong?’                                                                                                                                                                                       Oikawa sounded worried and very confused. And he was demanding answers from Iwaizumi, but Iwaizumi couldn’t give them: he himself was just as confused. He wasn’t aware of his panicked breathing, he had no recollection of going here, he didn’t remember what had happened for a moment.

‘Oikawa, where are we? What _did_ I do? I have no idea how I got here!’                                                                    

Oikawa’s expression shifted from worried to questioning: ‘You don’t know? Were you spaced out or something like that?’                                                                                                                                                   

Iwaizumi swallowed uneasily as he thought of how he’d experienced the previous minutes.                   

‘Sort of. Did I run off?’

‘Yeah. You suddenly stood up, ran out of the school and darted away without any direction at all, it seemed.’, he stuttered as he described Iwaizumi’s flight. ‘Then I followed you and you collapsed right here. You had a horrified expression on your face. After that you stared off into the distance for several minutes. I kept calling you, but you didn’t react. You scared the Hell out of me!’

Oikawa’s story sounded surreal and realistic at the same time. It sounded like something Iwaizumi was capable of doing when his brain took matters into its own hands, but he could barely believe he’d done that. How come his body had moved without him feeling or at least noticing it?

His stomach turned at the thought of what it must’ve  looked like to Oikawa and the others.                

‘I’m sorry.’, he mumbled. ‘I truly have no idea of all of this. Well, I do now, but I don’t remember myself. Whatsoever.’

Oikawa’s hands, still on Iwaizumi’s shoulders, stiffened a bit and Iwaizumi felt them dug into his skin. He looked like he was at a loss of words, like he didn’t know what to say about this. It wasn’t really strange. It just was very weird to see Oikawa not knowing what to say. After a while, the only response he said was:

‘It’s okay. If you were not at fault there’s no reason to apologize.’

‘Thank you.’, Iwaizumi said, because he was grateful. For Oikawa being here. Who knows what would’ve happened if Oikawa hadn’t been there to snap him out of his trance? He was walking next to a road, he could’ve run into it hadn’t Oikawa been there. Oikawa had helped him, and for that he was grateful. But he knew he owed Oikawa answers to the questions he was obviously silently asking: _What’s going on? Are you alright? Why didn’t you tell me?_

Iwaizumi wrote out the answers in his head: I’m not sure. Probably not. I don’t want your sunshine to make the gap between rainy days and sunny days too big to handle. He decided that he should be the one to begin talking about it. So he silently asked Oikawa the one big question he’d never asked anyone but himself, the question that he’d never known the true answer to:

‘Oikawa, what’s happening to me?’

His voice sounded more broken and pained than he’d planned out, but the question had been painful as well because with the question he entirely accepted the fact that something in his mind was wrong beyond his own management. Oikawa’s eyes shone with sympathy.                   

‘I don’t know, Iwa-chan. I’m happy you don’t deny it, but I honestly don’t know.’                                                

 _Of course he doesn’t know_ , Iwaizumi thought. What had he expected? How could Oikawa know if he didn’t know the first things about it: the rain, the sunlight, the thunder. Iwaizumi felt scared fo coming so close to admitting all the things that were so obviously twisted, but he couldn’t draw back now, so he did something he’d never even dared to do before: describing the way he saw things:

‘Some days, I just feel like it’s raining. Not literally, but just as dark and moody as a rainy day can be. Everything then just feels dark and threatening, like a storm. And at those days I just feel so stressed and everything seems to fall down on me, like rain. And those days occur…quite often.’ He took a shuddering breath for a moment, but quickly continued before Oikawa could interrupt him with questions: ‘But there’s also days I feel amazing, better than ever. Where I feel like I can do anything. But those days and those rainy days swing so unpredictably. Like sometimes I start the day feeling better than ever, and I end the day feeling completely drained of all energy. That’s what I experience it like, but I don’t know what causes it. And the only thing I can do is trying to ignore it and pretend everything is fine. I know it’s not what I should do, but I don’t comprehend it. It’s just so confusing and frustrating. I just don’t get it!’

He was nearly yelling at this point. He let out all of the frustration he’d felt for too long already. Every tiny bit of agony, despair, hopelessness because he couldn’t view the world without thinking: when will it rain? When will the clouds disappear? Do I remember the way the world looks for normal people?                                                                                                                                                

  He had forgotten what the world looked like.                                                                                                             

  He had forgotten everything.                                

The lightning, which had seemed so far away, struck him with all its might: he relived every raindrop that had ever fallen on him, every storm that had soaked him before soaked him again, every faltering sunshine. All the stress, pain, sadness, agony rained down on him as painful and vivid as reality. He shattered from the impact every drop brought. He knew this was his breaking point.

He pulled his knees up to his chest, hugged them, buried his face in his arms and felt the first tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. Soon silent tears ran down his face as tiny waterfalls, as if the rain was escaping his head and flowing into the real world.

Oikawa had been silent, not interrupting Iwaizumi once, just listening to his best friend. His face had read no judgement or concern for his best friend’s health, just sympathy. Now, his arms were around Iwaizumi’s shoulders and he allowed Iwaizumi to use his shoulders to rest his head on. He didn’t tell Iwaizumi that he was fine, that everything would eventually be alright. He kept silent for a long time and waited for Iwaizumi to pull himself together a bit. And Iwaizumi did. Eventually, the tears stopped and he let go of Oikawa, whom he’d held onto like Oikawa was all that seperated him from death. It was only then that Oikawa took Iwaizumi by the hand gently, pulled him on his feet and said: ‘Let’s go home for today.’ Iwaizumi found himself in no position to decline and nodded obediently. As they walked to their neighbourhood -apparently Oikawa had known where they were and knew the way home from there-, Oikawa called Hanamaki and told him to tell Matsukawa and the teachers that they weren’t coming back to school that day and that he and Matsukawa could make up a story. When he hung up he didn’t really attempt to start a conversation, but as always, the words slowly came:

‘You know, you could’ve told me sooner.’

‘I’m sorry. I knew I could, but I just didn’t want to.’

‘I guess that’s understandable, but you should never doubt that I’d judge you or something, if that’s what you thought. You’re my best friend, and I’d never hate you for anything like this.’

‘No, that’s not it. I didn’t doubt you. I just…’                                                                                                                           

Iwaizumi tried to find a good explanation, but couldn’t think of one. His silence ended the conversation and the rest of the walk no words were spoken. There was nothing to talk about at that moment, anyway.

\-------------

Instead of actually taking Iwaizumi to his house, Oikawa invited him in his own house. Iwaizumi almost gladly accepted: he knew Oikawa’s parents were working, so they would be alone. He couldn’t picture himself explaining his parents what had happened. The moment he entered the entrance hall of Oikawa’s house, he felt relieved and safe. Oikawa’s house had an air around it as warm and kind as Oikawa himself. Iwaizumi felt as if he was completely surrounded by Oikawa, a very safe feeling.

As Oikawa follwed him in and shut the front door, Iwaizumi still felt nervous and he dreaded the upcoming conversation. This was the first time he’d talked about it. He didn’t know what to expect. How would Oikawa react? Did he even know what to do in these situations? Did he just do what he thought was right? Iwaizumi didn’t know.

They sat down on the couch in the living room. It was the ugliest couch Iwaizumi had ever seen, but possibly also the most comfortable. Oikawa was the first to search for eye contact with Iwaizumi and then he began asking questions: ‘Iwa-chan, about these clouds you mentioned earlier. For how long have they been there?’                                                                                                          

Iwaizumi had to think some time, counting the months, years before remembering the first time they’d appeared: ‘For about three, four years, I think.’ Oikawa’s eyes widened for just one moment before returning to their normal size: ‘Four years! Iwa-chan, have you been feeling like this for already four years?’

Iwaizumi felt uncomfortable. He didn’t like the way Oikawa reacted.                                                         

‘Yes, I think. That’s at least the longest I remember.’

‘Iwa-chan! Four years is too long to feel bad. You should’ve gotten yourself help if you’ve felt miserable for four years.’

‘Miserable’. Iwaizumi didn’t like that word. It wasn’t that bad. He stayed silent. Oikawa was right, of course he knew that. Yet he knew that he’d never get himself help, whether Oikawa told him to or not.

Oikawa breathed in deeply and then breathed out just as deeply. He started talking, and Iwaizumi could hear he was picking his words very carefully:

‘Iwa-chan, I’m not saying you’re crazy, but you should know that seeing or feeling clouds no one else sees or feels is not healthy. And since it obviously has a negative influence on you, I suggest you should let someone help you. Someone professional. Because I think you need help with these things you feel.’

 _There it is_ , Iwaizumi thought. He knew this was the advice everyone would give him when he’d tell people. Talk to someone about your psycho thoughts, because they ‘understand’.

‘I’m not going to a therapist, Oikawa.’

‘Why not? There’s nothing to lose. You can only gain something from it.’

‘Because I’m not insane. I know it’s not healthy, do you really think I wasn’t aware of that? But a therapist will only treat me as a child and nod and pretend to believe me. I can do this myself, it just takes some time.’ Iwaizumi felt panicked. He was lashing out at Oikawa, but he didn’t want this.

‘I already said you’re not crazy! And what do you know about therapists. They are trained to help you. ‘

‘I can do it myself. I just need more time.’

‘Four years is too long, Iwa-chan. You can’t do this on your own. You’re not insane, but it’s not normal, Iwa-chan! I’m sure your parents will understand. They want you to be happy and a therapist can help you. I’m very proud of you that you dared to tell me, but I can’t help you the way therapists can.’ Oikawa sounded very worried, but also angry at Iwaizumi. They were both angry and both boys could feel some sort of tension between them, even though Oikawa tried to stay calm and patient. Iwaizumi, however, was too scared of being declared ‘insane’: ‘No, you don’t get it. They’re gonna lock me up in some mental instituition. And I can’t miss volleyball, or my teammates; they’re all that keep me going. You know I’d never survive there. You know that. Don’t you care at all?!’

‘Of course I care about you!’

Iwaizumi swallowed the words he’d been about to say to Oikawa. The latter’s determined yet desperate voice broke through the clouds he hadn’t noticed flocking together above his head. He thought back of the conversation and felt shame crawl under his skin. What was he saying? Of course Oikawa cared! He cared for Iwaizumi, and Iwaizumi just yelled at him for being worried. It must’ve been panic taking over. He had been so scared he’d acted rightout badly. He cleared his head and shut his mouth. He locked eyes with Oikawa again as the boy continued: ‘But when I care about you, it also means that I worry for you if something seems wrong with you. And I’m worried, Iwa-chan. I have been worried about you for quite some time.’

That last part surprised Iwaizumi: ‘Really? For how long already?’

‘A few months.’ Oikawa flashed him one of his small, special smiles and spoke up again: ‘Though you were smiling and behaving typically, you never looked happy. It was as if you wanted to believe you were happy yourself, but your smile would change into a frown in minutes, if not seconds. Every time you seemed happy I just waited for that to happen. And it usually would.’   He was fumbling with his hands and was looking at the ground.                                                                              ‘It’s saddening to watch. I don’t want to see you like that. I want you to be happy as you used to be. And that’s why I want you to visit a therapist. Because I think they can help you.’

Iwaizumi didn’t know what to say; Oikawa had known all along. He wanted to help him.

Suddenly, whether it was his brain cooling down or Oikawa’s concern for him, he could bring himself to believe Oikawa: maybe a therapist could help him. That was also an effect of Oikawa’s sunshine: they gave him hope, inspiration. If he had Oikawa with him, maybe, just maybe he could try it. He wanted to get rid of the clouds. Maybe now, that there was at least one person standing next to him, he could try it.

He hesitated, but finally said:

‘If you promise me that you will come with me, I’ll try to get help. But only if you’re there too.’

Oikawa smiled at him, the most beautiful smile Iwaizumi had seen in a long time, and pulled Iwaizumi into a hug: ‘Of course I’ll be there to help. I’m always here for you, Iwa-chan. Never forget that.’

‘Thanks, Oikawa.’, Iwaizumi whispered in his best friend’s shoulder.

He felt anxiety, but there was also relief. Because he wasn’t reaching for Oikawa from a distance. Oikawa was there, and Iwaizumi finally dared to take off his raincoat and sunglasses, because even though he was still scared of the clouds, the rain and the thunder, he still felt intense emotions and he still felt that something inside him was wrong, he had Oikawa. And Oikawa would always be there for him.

_When the sun shines, we’ll shine together_

_Told you I’ll be here forever_

_Said I’ll always be your friend_

_Took an oath, Imma stick it out ‘till the end_

_Now that it’s raining more than ever_

_Know that we still have each other_

_You can stand under my umbrella_

_You cant stand under my umbrella_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I'm happy I finally had the guts to post it online. Please tell me what you thought of it and criticise if you think I could've done a better job. Also I'm sorry if my descriptions didn't really match with real symptoms. I don't have experience with depression or bipolar disorder, so writing about it is pretty hard. Also, this fic wasn't per se about mental disorders, I just thought it kinda had a resemblance, so please don't be too hard on me.


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